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Friday, March 30, 2012

NYC: Vanessa's


Ah, yes, it is once again spring time and the North American blog bear awakens from his hibernation to resume(/continue) a life of slam piggery, recklessness, and most importantly, the documenting of all things in the realm of fat fuckery.  Sorry it's been so long, dudes!

 For the past many years, I've only really visited NY only because of show related shit.  So I figured for Irish Xmas/27th birthday weekend I would return to the land of dilck and honies to straight up focus on rolling with the homies, getting fuzzy, and eating so much food that I need stick my finger down my butthole's throat just so I can eat more.  Needless to say, I accomplised the dogshit out my mission.

My partner in crime, and also spirit animal and guru for this trip was my roomie, Shane MacO'gallgher'OMcIrishdittyCatholicpotatoredbranchwaragher.

He's Irish as FUCK.  He even says shit like "lad", and told me I couldn't buy Bushmill's Irish whiskey because they gang rape Protestants or some shit.  So anyway, he wanted to show me a traditional Irish St. Patrick's Day celebration in the big city, and me being the epitome of consumption and cultural knowledge, obliged whith the tip 'oh mheee fat hass. HOYDEE TOYDEE  HEIDDEY OYDEE officer Krupkee!

Me:  So Shane, how does one go about traditionally celebrating St. Patrick's Day?

Shane:  Well, lad(that's me), St. Patrick's Day celebrates the dude who brought Christianity to Ireland.  He like, was from Rome or some shit, and went to Ireland one day and everyone was all orgying out and worshipping flowers and stuff and he was all like, "GET FUCKED UP AND WORSHIP CHRIST!"  And they thought that was tight, so every March 17th we get slam dicked and squinty eyed.

Me:  No shit!!  That's the business!

So upon our arrival to Bedstuy, Brooklyn, New York, at 3pm, we cracked open IPA's and swigged a bunch of Powers Irish Whiskey, the most popular whiskey sold in Ireland.  Dude's whiskey was(and still is) so bawler that he got knighted and was made High Sheriff of Dublin, which I believe is the equivalent of the main dude from Downton Abbey.  Pretty sure he got some puss.

Our pre pre pre pre game was at a bar in the lower east side(LES), where they had $3 shot and beer specials and an unusual amount of black dudes decked out in green kilts.  I swear our generation is either trying it's damnedest to find excuses to get dressed up and blacked out, or maybe all of the O'neals' from the Congo could've had a good ol' fashioned diaspora to Ireland.

Well since part of the ancient Irish tradition is to get squinty eyed, we clearly had to get our slant on with some cheap ass Chinese food!  Enter:  Vanessa's

Vanessa's Dumpling House is a famous cheap-as-hell joint in China Town that always has a line out the door with confused novice touristy patrons such as myself trying to figure out how the fuck to actually order some damn food.  The place is jammed with very limited tables seated by the "ugh...really?  you dont know??" people watchers and a slew of sweaty Asians yelling at each other behind the counter.  They're probly saying: "Hey Bobby!  Three porks, two ducks, and seven soup specials!  Linda!  We need 200 porks!"

But it sounds like:  "Way to let your family down you low life fuck!  How bout I deep fry your grandmother's leg and eat it in front of your kids?  Linda!  Come watch me fuck this bag with a ladle!"

*Sigh*  Language barriers...

Alright, so I ordered the pork and scallion dumplings(four for $1) and the duck cucumber pancake($2.50).  Everyone else pretty much followed suit, and twenty minutes later the nice old ladies bagged our shit up and we went to the park to watch dudes kick a ball around.  And since we were this Irish drunk in the early afternoon, we were all pretty compelled to...

Notice how J. Wolf(second from right) tries to cup the jizz with his hands! DUDE!  That's like putting your thumb over the water hose!!!  it's gonna get everywhere!!  Extra points to A.Smith for splattering against the camera phone frame, and for the ladies who managed to keep the sploosh home court.

Fried sesame pancake with duck and cucumber for $2.50!?!?  I'll see you in hell, Vanessa.  If that's you're REAL name.  It's probly Nguyen Weird Symbols.

And the $1 dumplings!?  Pfff...  If I wanted to taste Asian fingers for eight hours I would... uhmm... eat your awesome dumplings for six hours and then... uhmm.... probly eat your dumplings again for another two hours. fuck you.

Vanessa's Dumpling House is located at 118 Eldridge St. in the LES at China Town. kiiiiinda near where i smoked a bubbler of some chron with some new jersey chick who was with another couple who seemed to be getting all craigslist casual encounter on us, but i declined cuz that shit intimidated me.

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