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Wednesday, March 23, 2011


Sorry it's taken so long to get on this action, but sxsw didn't really lend itself for enough free time to write one of these fuckers.  The protocol was essentially this:  wake up on a couch or floor, get some tacos, go play a show and watch a bunch of shows until two or three am, and make your way back to home base.  Oh, and you're doing all of this whilst getting completely shit-dicked the entire time.  You know the saying, "liquor before beer, have no fear.  Beer after liquor, you're gonna get sicker"?  Well I think the way sxsw was for me, it was more like, "sweet tea vodka before sparx, sparx, sparx, sweet tea vodka, tall boy lonestar, tall boy lonsestar, tall boy lonestar, 200ml Evan Williams, Red Stripe, Red Stripe, whoknowswhatelse, you're gonna be sitting on Satan's throne in Hell because he's off crying in an alley somewhere since you convinced his girlfriend to fuck you because you said you were in the Walkmen".

Well, kind of --  because although I did tell a girl I was in the Walkmen, I didn't get laid, and as far as I know, she wasn't dating Satan.  We just ended up talking about how I was [not really] just on Yo Gabba Gabba and then I unexpectedly ran into her again the next night and drunkenly convinced myself she was really into me.  Within that same twenty four hours I also drank whiskey with some of the Extraordinaires at a gay s&m bar that was pretty much a giant strobe light, and then weaseled our way into Emo's Jr. through the band entrance because I said we were playing in Owen Palette's backing band.

So when I wasn't being a big deceitful butt commando, I was eating some shit!  The only free thing I got to take advantage of was these veggie chips, courtesy of Sensible Portions, and was served at all the Brooklyn Vegan parties:

Were they any good?  Fucked if I know man, the table of free chips was set up directly next to the free Sparx table, where there were butter-face prostitutes pouring you as many of the free samples you wanted just so you might convince yourself to ever buy that shitty caffeine-less product ever again.  I will say that the new 9.0% lemonade flavor tasted good after about four of them though, and the mid-drifts made up for the lack of caffeine.  Oh yeah, the chips:  crunchy, salty, and bland as And You Will Know Us by the Trail of Dead's unfortunate set.

So the second best thing I ate in Austin was a "Texas-style" bratwurst that you could find being served at many street carts throughout the downtown area.  I chose to eat at one particular Best of the Wurst cart, though, because it consistently had a longer line than any of the other carts I came across due to the fact that the dude slinging the sausages was a Yokozuna sized mother fucker who was marinating everything on the grill with his dripping slam pig sweat.

I asked for the most popular item, which was a brat all the way:  sausage, grilled onions, sauerkraut, brown mustard, and curried ketchup(the most crucial of the condiments).  It was a beautiful mess of flavors with enough fat content to sustain a Somalian village for a month.  I think I'll go ahead and predict curried ketchup as being the next coolest thing for tattooed people to put everything on since Sriracha.  That or ranch mixed with a bunch of Sriracha.

And finally, the best thing I ate in Texas was of course, booking agent and label people asshole TACOS!  So one of the only major drawbacks to having a pretty much taco-only diet is that sometimes when you think you're going to drop a bus-load, you just end up having a 45 second long fart.  But other than that, eating tacos all the time fucking rules.  The best tacos I had in Texas was at El Chilito.

For breakfast, the taco that won it all was the Migas taco, which was egg, tortilla stips, tomato, onion, serrano, and cheese.  That dark, diarrhea looking stuff on there is actually the house salsa, which I'm pretty sure is a burnt pepper puree of sorts.

Up there is the overall winner of the Texas Taco Olympics, the Chicken Tinga Puffy Taco.  The tomato chipotle braised chicken was just fucking retarded, and deep frying the corn tortilla shell is realllly the only way corn tortillas should be eaten, am I right?  I kind of think corn tortillas taste like shit, otherwise.

Brothers Tacos in Houston was a close second, and Tacos del Fuego in Austin(across from the cigarrette shop that has a god damned tip jar on the counter) shop can go fuck itself for being completely rude and over priced.

El Chilito is located 2219 Manor Drive in Austin, Texas, about three of four block away from the bridge I should jump off of for being such a shitty, shitty pig.

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