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Sunday, January 2, 2011

2011 Brayscar Movie Awards

Ah, yes, it's that time of year again, folks! That's right!  You guessed it!  It's that time of year where I award some of the movies I saw this year for the first time evar because i don't really have any food to write about!  2010 was a fantastic year for movies, and was probably the first year in a long time where I saw multiple movies in theaters more than once.  Good job, 2010, you were a good shit.

The Best Movie I Saw This Year:  Scott Pilgrim vs. The World


I totally saw this shit three times in the theaters and loved it every single time.  Awesome cast, awesome music, and I don't think two minutes went by without me laughing.  This movie is also one gigantic hipster blow job.  And im a blowjob loving hipster.  Oh, and you're gonna go ahead throw in like four or five of my girlfriends!?  fuck yeah!  love red head drummer chick.  would totally marry girl from that plane movie that looks like amanda from blue light grill.  for shorely crushing on hipster chick from Parks and Rec.  And yes, im totally in lesbians with Ramona Falls.  This movie also gave me an excuse to have some bonding time with my brother because he's a big nerd who does nothing but play video games and watch anime, which are both pretty crucial reference points for the movie.  the soundtrack is the only cd he's listened to for the past four months.   Also, every other line is an awesome quote -- just  a few examples:

"Your BF is about to get F'd in the B!"
"I don't think I can hit a girl.  They're soft."
"You punched me in the boob!  Prepare to die, obviously!" 

Congrats, SPVTW!  If you were a chick i was sitting next too, i do believe my legs would be crossed towards you.
~
The Second Best Movies I saw this Year:  Tie -- Black Swan, True Grit, and The Social Network

Black Swan: *ahem* MILA KUNIS GOES DOWN ON NATALIE FUCKING PORTMAN.  nuff said.  but srsly, it's one of those movies that you leave feelin tootallly fucked up(like Monster, Capote, or Love Liza).  Natalie, one of my fravorite girlfriends, should get the oscar.  after she gets my Brayscar.

True Grit:  here's an example of some of the bad ass dialog that happens throughout the whole movie:
Ned Pepper: What's your intention? Do you think one on four is a dogfall? 
Rooster Cogburn: I mean to kill you in one minute, Ned. Or see you hanged in Fort Smith at Judge Parker's convenience. Which'll it be? 
Ned Pepper: I call that bold talk for a one-eyed fat man. 
Rooster Cogburn: Fill your hands, you son of a bitch! 

fucking SICK.  also, the main chick in the movie is beautiful(although you wouldn't be able to tell from the movie), and is half filippino.  You know what that means?  It means she is fucking infallible, and that there's a good chance she's my cousin.

The Social Network:  Yeah, the movie about facebook is fucking awesome and worth seeing twice, so just shut the fuck up already.
~
Most Disturbing Movie Scenes of the Year:

1)  The crotch shot in Let The Right One In
Why do the europeans always somehow get away with child pornography??  12 year old vampire vaginas just aren't cool, man.  and while you're at it europe, why don't you go ahead give us back our genre.  you're not allowed to make better vampire films than us.

2)  The rape scene in The Girl With the Dragon Tattoo
WHAT THE FUCK, SWEDEN!?!?  first with the baby cunt, and now the most brutal rape scene of all time?  what are you trying to prove?  that you're a country that exists and i've thought about you more the past six months than i have my entire life?  mission accomplished.  but you know what, sweden?  you still don't have SHIT on Caligula.  nice try.

3)  The rape scene in The Secret In Their Eyes
LOL remember when the chick makes fun of the dude for having a tiny dick then he pulls out his shit, and it's actually friggin yuge, and then he talks about how he literally fucked that girl to death? HAHAHAHAHA *sigh* good times.
~
Biggest "Meh" Sandwich of the Year:
1)  The Town
why the fuck did this movie make it in so many top ten lists?  srsly, it's okay at best.  you know what?  fuck it.  this movie wasn't good.

2)  Inception
Okay, so i saw this twice in the theaters.  i liked it!  but then i found out the batman dude ripped the story from a fucking DUCKTAILS comic book.  fuck you, man!
~
Best Documentary:  The Parking Lot Movie
wait - so you're gonna make a movie about a place where I drink 40's, smoke cigarettes, and shoot the shit with Coleman?  God bless you, Megan Eckman.
~
My Girlfriend of the Year:  Emma Watson

OH.  MEH.  GAH.

Congrats to all of the winners!  You are my champions.  I still haven't seen 127 hours, the Fighter, Exit Through the Gift Shop, and Winter's Boner, though.  Here's some more pictures of some of my girlfriends:



"I heard you shaved your head for 'V for Vendetta'.  Did you shave your V for vagina?"