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Sunday, November 14, 2010

Highway Rapery #1: The Maryland House

Welcome to the first installment of our never ending series pertaining to Highway Rapery!  I'm only predicting that this will be a never ending series because I have faith that the highway will always figure out new and exciting ways to fuck you non-consentually.  First up, The Maryland House, which is on 95 about 20 minutes outside of Baldimore.

So why the hell do always stop here!?  Why does anyone stop here?  It really just comes to convenience, and these shitty dicks exploit the hell out of that.  There's just certain parts of the country(New Jerzeeeee, im looking at youhooo) that to simply pull off at a random exit to go to a snack factory just takes more time than it's worth, so you settle for ten dollar jars of peanuts and four dollar bottles of water just so you can get in and out promptly.

On today's trip, I decide to really do it up Maryland style and get some good ol' fashion greasy seafood from a little joint called Phillip's Seafood Express!

Phillip's:  Welcome to Phillip's!  How may I help you?

Me:  Well, Phillip, I've got ten bucks on me, what can I get for that?

Phillip's:  Well!  You can either have 8oz of our famous lobster bisque, OORRRR, a tiny ass pretzel with some crab and cream cheese in it!  Did I mention we let the pretzel marinate in a grease bath all fucking day?  MMmmMmmm!

Me:  Hey Phillip?

Phillip's:  Yes?

Me:  I haven't even ordered anything yet, and your boner is in my butt.

Phillip's:  Indubitably!

Me:  I'll have the damn pretzel.

As you can see, B-rock is NOT happy.  As a matter of fact, I'd say this dude is down right indignant!  That's the face of a man who's getting filled.  But you know what?  It was delicious!  Of course it was!  You could crap in my mouth, call it Pot de Creme, charge me ten dollars for it, and I'd swear up and down that it was a culinary masterpiece.  I split it up between the four of us, which was a good decision according to B-rock, who was convinced if one actually ate one of those to themselves, they would have explosive diarrhea.  He's probly right, but touring isn't really conducive for solid healthy poops anyway.

We played at Haverford college that night and had burnt popcorn and egg-drop ramen for 4th meal.  Got stoned as FUCK, got in my snuggy, and watched a really mediocre David Cross stand-up special.  ROCK.


  1. Christ, Jon, are you guys actively seeking food poisoning? Maryland House is one thing -- yeah, we all succumb to it -- but the SEAFOOD joint? How about a tiny-ass lukewarm $6 burger at Roy Rogers, or a rubbery $4 slice of pizza at Sbarro's instead? At least you'll live to see your next tour stop.

  2. I was pleasantly surprised by Delaware House on my last I-95 car trip. I mean, it feels like a mall, and it's Delaware, so it sucks ipso facto. But for sucky food places on on I-95? Not that sucky.

  3. Fuck yeah, I hate that place. Only thing good about it is gettin a cpl smokes in before gettin back on the starlite express... never did the phillips thing though, you got some brass cajones. New banner kicks ass btw.