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Thursday, November 4, 2010

Baldmoowah, MD - The Golden West Cafe'

Greetings you stinky dick lickers!  I've gotta say, b-more has one of my favorite skylines.  When you approach skylines like new york and chicago, you get that nervous little kid at christmas anxiety, but with the baldmore skyline, it's more like, "You know what?  This is might be a little forward sounding, but i think you're pretty and I would love to buy you a drink.  In a well-lit area, of course".

You want a crazy awesome aquarium?  Yeah, they got that.  Oh, you want high class gentleman's club immediately upon exiting I-95?  sure, dude.  Oh, you're on a high school field trip?  Well feel free to smoke weed on the 3rd story balcony of the castle sized Barnes & Noble(that's actually a true story)!

So, The Golden West Cafe (1105 W 36th St - website still under construction[srsly?  it's not 1999, you either have a webite, or you don't]) gets a two boners up BNM.  The food menu specializes in hipster vegetarian cuisine, but there's plenty of flesh for you murderers out there as well.  We'll talk about that food in second, but first you guys HAVE to check out our waitress:

 DYAAAMN, Sen!  That's right, Chloe "the boy to my yoi-yoing" Sevigny was our goddamn waitress.  Well, not really, her name is Brie, and she just happens to look exaaactly like her.  But she was a fantastic, attentive server and was a total sweetheart to us.  and you know what that combination gets you?  over 20% of our discounted bill plus a single dude who'll try his damndest to not keep checking you out, cuz you kiiiind of smell like boyfriend.  on to the food:

The boys and i decided to order vegetarian family style because somehow our taste buds and bodies predicted that we were gonna eat like complete dog shit the next couple of days.  Here's a smart phone pic(can't seem to get the digi-cam working):

Everything came out at once, which is fine by me, but that just means that one of the dishes is gonna get middle-childed -- so i'm sorry nacho salad with veggie chorizo, but i totally only took like two bites of you, but you were tasty.  You know what else was tasty??  the size of your head burrito stuffed with black beans, veggies, corn, guac, sour cream, and, get this FRIED PLANTAINS.  If you would've told me 15 years ago that i was gonna masticate(huh-huh) a burrito with bananas in it, i would've said, first, "that's a weird thing to tell a ten year old", and secondly, "You're out of your goddamn mind!".  It was delicious.  Props to the salsa verde.

The star of the show?  The motherfucking chilli-mayonaise.  how did you assholes know the only thing i like more than spicy is fat!?  seriously, i couldn't go a bite and a half of burrito without having to dip a tot in the awesome sauce.  btw, how the FUCK do you make a tater tot?  like, the ones you buy in a frozen bag?  it blows my mind.  someone google that shit for me.

you guys aren't going to believe me, but for dessert, i shit you not:  BAKED TO ORDER HEATH BAR COOKIES.  nuff said.

anyway, i think im going to ask the golden west's hand in marriage.  so back off, dude.



  1. Towards the end there I was afraid you weren't gonna mention the tots and I was like "what's even the goddamn point of this post?" But then you did, so it's cool.

    Also, I'm sure those cookies are bangin', but you've gotta have the presence of mind to order them when you're ordering the APPETIZERS, at which point I don't know how hungry I'm gonna be when I'm done eating. Am I still gonna want a delicious fucking cookie? I don't know! So I just get the cake instead (also delicious).

    Burger's good, too.

  2. "cuz you kiiiind of smell like boyfriend."

    Say what?

  3. you know, like, when you're hanging out with a stranger and you can kind of like, tell they're probly with somebody.

    jacob - their cakes looked slamming, but i couldn't resist that fresh baked shit, yo.

  4. Dude, have you seen chloe sevigny recently? Ugh.