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Monday, September 27, 2010

Winston's/Do Nut Dinette - Chesapeake/Norfolk, VA

Wuddup dildos!  I tell you what, man, we play some weird fuckin places every now and again.  Case in point?  Winston's Cafe in Chesapeake, VA.  This little gem was located in a cookie cutter shopping center in one of the ugliest towns in America and was right next to a god damned APPLEBEE'S.  This is what we see when we pull up:


Appetizers AND prime rib!?  F me in the A place!  So yeah, not really a place you would expect to see the next Pitchfork BNM  play a set.  But you know what you can expect from a joint like this?  How underwhelming the food is!  Smith and I were the only hungry ones  (B-rock and Deaner couldn't wait to eat and dawged some Chik-fil-A on the way) and decided to split a couple of appz.  Here they be:


Jalepeno poppers and seared tuna bites!  As you can probably tell by the elegant presentation, the shit just wasn't very good.  They get brownie points for hand-breading the poppers, and the tuna was actually seasoned quite well, but I mean shit man, how about SOME sort of garnish!?  How bout a spinach leaf or some shit?  And don't you dare throw some powdered sugar, paprika, and cayan pepper in some mayonaise and call it a fucking remoulade(although that is actually quite delicious).  But whatevs, as far as bar food goes, they pass the test.  The guy who was playing when we walked in also passes the test:


Stayed the night at some cool dude's clean apt. who was at the show.  Watched that Minutemen documentary till about 4am, that band was fucking nuts.  Let's talk pancakes.

When I was growing up, my dad was usually in charge of the pancake making for whatever inexplicable reason (my mom's pancakes kicked the living shit out of my dad's;  she would throw in a shit of bacon pieces in the batter).  And what my dad had going for him was that his pancakes were friggin yuuge, I think sometimes he would just experiment and see how big he could make them before they got fucked up.  I would stay the night at friends' places and eat their moms' pancakes and could barely recognize wtf these fat-chick-nipple-size discs were.  Fuck this little three stack shit, just gimme one big ass dude.  I mean, they're called cakes for christ's sake, I'm pretty sure that implies some sort of substantial volume of nomness.  I was pleased that the diner we went to shared the same sentiments.  It's a little joint called the Do Nut Dinette:


They're known for their for their dognuts, which unfortunately they were out of that day, and usually everyday by nine am.  But it was all good, because these jerks make pancakes as big as laser discs.


Jesus, pancake, stop freaking out, it's all over your belly.  So not only are these fucking pancakes gigantic, but the cooks also make sure that the edges are nice and crispy, and before they plate it(you do notice the pancake is bigger than the plate, right?) they paint the bitch with melted butter.  PERFECTION.  Oh, then there's this fucking guy:


He didn't want me to take his picture becuase of something about getting his soul stolen or some shit, but I took it anyway.  This dude is one of those happy-go-lucky always smiling and laughing for no apparent reason dudes.  Like, the infectious kind of happy.  Like, this dude probably goes home and gets off on pterodactyl porn kind of happy.  Real sweet heart.  Oh yeah, the bathroom to this joint is in a tiny ass alley -- here's T-Dean exiting said bathroom after throwing some yellow:


So yeah, this place is nothing short of amazing and you need to take your ass there next time you find yourself in the Norfolk area.




Tuesday, September 7, 2010

The Blue Nile and Klines Dairy Bar - Harrisonburg, Virginia

Oh boy!  Set your food lasers to boner, cuz i got some tasty shit to write about!  I'm pretty excited to write about The Blue Nile because I've actually been to Ethiopia.  When I was in Addis Ababa, I dined heavily on what most Americans identify with Ehiopean cuisine:  spicy curry type shit ("wat" or "wot"), sponge bread("injeera"), and coffee that puts your aderol prescription to shame.  Although, when I was in Jig Jigga, a little more of a rural area of Ehtiopia, the only three things that were available to me were eggs, baguettes, and tibs.  Tibs is like a chopped up little meat jam piece, and yes, they look like little tibbs.  Now here's the funny thing -- I was told these so called tibbs were goat, but the only thing is that the whole time I was there I didn't see ONE DAMN GOAT.  The only animal I saw were dogs.  Yup.  Anyway, they were delicious.  So Ehtiopia is a pretty fun place, you should go there one day.


Takin it down to yum town!  Blue Nile is easily one of my favorite places to play because they've got a bunch of tight beers, usually some fly honeys working, and of course, the famous band platter.  Oh hey!  It's the bartender!!


Me:  Hakuna Matata!
Barkeep:  ???
Me:  Jambo?
Barkeep:  ...
Me.  I'll have a PBR and a band platter please.
Barkeep:  You got it, asshole.

The actual way to say hello in Amharic is "Selam".  Anyways, if you're in a band, Blue Nile provides you with one vegetarian band platter that usually has about four different wats and a bunch of sponge bread.  We usually get a couple of of extra things though, cuz we're shitty pigs.  I highly recommend getting their hummus with spicy Ethiopian butter(probably the best hummus I've had in Virginia) and the beer battered onion rings.  Hey!  Our food's here!


So we never really bother to find out the actualy names of this shit, and we opt to just call them things such as the "green guy" or the "red dude".  We all like to pick our favorites of the night, and my favorite more often than not is usually the yellow dude, but I gotta say carrot guy mixed with little white dude on the bottom was where it was at.  And beets?  Sheeyit mang, you can never lose with beats, plus they're good for your boobs.  Oh yeah, when you're eating Ethiopian food the proper way to do it is too rip off some sponge bread and kind of just pick up the curry shit with your right hand.  DO NOT use your left hand, because your left hand is for wiping poop out of your butt.  So eat there!  Cuz it's delicious and extremely nutritous.

For desert, me and the boys made our way to Kline's Dairy Bar, a Harrisonburg tradition:



SOOOO YUUUMMMMMY!!!!  It's a soft serve joint and on any given night there's a huge line to get the flavor of the week.  This week's flavor was raspberry, but they might as well have called it "Instant Testical Drainer".  It was pretty hilarious rolling in like seven dudes deep and just hamming it up around famillies and college kids.  Hey look!  It's B-Rock and Jakers!


Four fourth meal, we went to, of course, Sheeetz.  Cuz fuck WaWa.

Sunday, September 5, 2010

Rivermont Pizza - Lynchburg, Virginia


Your lookin good, Lynchburg!  With your inexplicable fountain, your abundance of Chick-fil-A's, your high population of evangelical extremists, and, oh, I don't know, your LYNCHING.  WTFS!?  Who names their town after what they're contraversially big fans of?  I think "Ifyou'reapersonofcolorwedon'trecommendyousetfoothereburg" has a nicer ring to it.  Well, in all fairness, it's really named after some dude named John Lynch, who like, built a bridge or some shit, and I guess if you're the dude who's responsible for the town bridge, than you get to name the town.  I also heard this dude loved killing black people. 

Lynchburg is also famous for being the only city in Virginia not to fall to the Yankees during the civil war, and they accomplished this in a way that somehow involved prostitutes.  NOYYCE!

Anyway, let's talk pizza.  The dudes over at Rivermont Pizza do it right, and I'm not just saying that because we never have to pay for the food.  I was a pizza maker for over seven years, so I kiiind of know what I'm talking about.  First off, they have a FANTASTIC draft beer selection, so that's gonna make your pizza taste better right from the get go.  Upon this last visit, I was introduced to Crispin, a reaallly dry cider that is recommended served over ice .  It was awesome, and pretty soon all of your girlfriends will be ordering this(right before you smoosh eachother!! *high five*).

They also have a good water supply(Pedlar Resevoir and the James River) which is puh-retty fucking crucial to good pizza dough.  They use a wood-fire oven, and their crust leans more to the chewy side than the crispy.  This time around me and the boys got the Q:  spinach, ricotta, caramelized onion, and we subbed fresh jalepeno for the ground beef;  and the Philadelphia Tofu Hoagie:  sweet chilli sauce, fried tofu, carrots, bean sprouts, jalepeno, and cilantro.  Now, the second pizza I mentioned is based on a hoagie that you can get in West Philly, and it will have it's own blog post next time we hit that joint -- crucial band nom nom.  So yeah, I'm sure you can tell by reading those combinations of toppings that our faces were fucked properly.

Oh, I almost forgot to mention that probly what puts their pizza on a whole nother level than anything else you've had before, is that their pizza makers are magical leperchauns.  Seriously, this is an ACTUAL picture(from the Men of Rivermont Pizza 2010 Calendar) of our pizza dude:


AWWWWWW!!!  The little dude is sitting in a MIXING BOWL!  *tears*  We actually keep this picture up in our pracitce space whenever we need that little boost of artistic inspiration.

Annyywaayyyz, I can't imagine anyone who reads my jam would ever randomly find themselves in Lynchburg, but if you do, check out Rivermont Pizza, because they're good shits.