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Sunday, August 22, 2010

Me So Hongover! Pt. 1

So we don't have a show for another week or so, so I think I'll just have to start the first of many segments pertaining to the shit you should eat/drink if you're hungover!  First things first, if you can feel your heartbeat in your eyeballs, you can either a) get drunk again(aka "hair of the dog" - which people say is just having AH drink to feel better, but let's not shit ourselves, people)  b) SCUD the fuck out, which is basically get high, eat garbage, and watch Anchorman or c)  engage the B.R.A.Y. system of feeling like a champion!  Let's leave options a and b for another day and talk about the system that's conveniently named after me!

B - Bring on the nutrients, son!  So if you're gonna try and put the bits and pieces together after a night of epic proportions, you gotta pound some healthy shit before you move onto caffeine.  Two healthy jam pieces I recommend:


Coconut water!!!  Vitamin C?  Potassium?  Magnesium?  Calcium?  Uh -- yes on all counts, so get the fuck out of my face before I punch yours.  First timers always react weird to the flavor of coconut, so I recommend peach & mango to start you off.  Hydrate naturally, bitches!


Hippie Drank!  This shit tastes absolutely AWFUL, but it has magic shit in it that gets the toxins out of you, and by that I mean it gets you sweaty and makes you poop weird.

R - Reckon you should get some caffeine in ya, dawg!  Iced coffee with a double shot of espresso is usually the way I like to get amped the fuck up, occasionally followed by a red bull in certain situations. 

A - Asian buffets!  Fuck sitting down and waiting to dog on some shit, you need it now!  I love to fuck up an Indian lunch buffet.  Load up on some naan and curry, my man!  Oh, crispy shit?  You bet!  Who's to say your first round can't be just a huge plate of peckoras with raita?  And don't forget about a samosa with mango chutney, or else, well, uhmm... or else you'll feel like a dumb ass for not getting something so tasty.

Shitty Chinese food buffet is also great because MSG loves to put a hangover in its place.  Be sure to eat one or ten of these:


Excuse me, but I believe your genitals are drooling *hands paper towel*.

Y - Yeah, you should probably drink another cup of coffee before your shift starts.

God speed, my champions!


Sunday, August 8, 2010

GAS STATION FOOD



Boys and girls!  Welcome to my new blog piece!  Upon my first excursion into this journey of tight ass food writing, I would like to put out the disclaimer that there is a high probability that every post will include offensive words pertaining to the human genitalia -- so eat a dick, you pussies!  And don't tell my parents about this blog.

So let's get this shit started with the first of many installments pertaining to GAS STATION FOOD!

I feel the most appropriate way to start a blog about food and being on the road is for it to be about the place that bands visit most.  There's nothing better than stopping every 2-4 hours and wasting your money on stupid shit and eating like a dumb ass!  The shit is inevitable if you're a music dude, so one must figure out how to best to be a shitty pig with precision and accuracy.  

Rule #1:  Jalepeno flavored ANYTHING


Oh lordhavemercy!  Nothing says food boner like something flavored with god's gift to peppers, the jalapeño.  Perhaps the mundaneness of the highway is what makes this particular flavor so tittytastic, or maybe it's the masochism of raping your mouth with spicy shit -- regardless, more often than not, you will find that jalapeño flavored anything is the safest of choices.  did you know that jalapeño flavored cheetos are better than the classic original flavor?  I bet you didn't.  The only way they could make it better is if they brought back the cheetos claw action and jalapeño'd that bitch, but i wouldn't know what else to dream about if they actually did that.

Rule #2:  Sheetz is better than WaWa

You wanna know why?  The main reason is because Sheetz has a DEEP FRYER.  So it's like three in the morning, you're exhausted from rocking the fuck out, you may or may not be hammered, but you need some guaranteed satisfaction?  Well shut your fucking face because mozzarella sticks are here for you!  And what do you know about a dognut?  Probably not whole lot unless if you've had a glazed cake dognut with some shitty coffee at the break of dawn.  Also, the Sheetz MTO has more options 24/7 than WaWa, hands down.  WaWa's all like, "Oh, it's three in the morning?  Well we have egg salad!"  fuck you, WaWa.  Sheetz steps up to the plate with nachos, dillas, burgers, cheese fries -- you name it!  this, and not to mention cheap ass gas and cigarettes makes sheetz the clear winner.

Rule #3:  When in middle America, always go with the "Test Market" munchies

Why do you think shit like Jalapeño cream cheese taquitos even exist?  It's because scientists like to get stoned as fuck and think of what the fattest pieces of shit would like to get down with!  These fat pieces of shit happen to live in the middle of nowhere and only eat at gas stations, so that's where these scientists attempt to introduce their new flavors to see if they sell well.  You should always go with these odd flavors because when the fuck else are you gonna be able to eat something like chicken curry dorritos?

This is only the tip of the iceburg to gas station food rules!  What do you know about a Maryland house or the New Jersey Turnpike?  Sheeeeyyiiiiit...